The last two years have been and continue to be a journey of getting to know myself and in my own way rebuilding my life. I believe words have power and I have been thankful for these words that have been the building blocks of healing and self renewal.
My mom passed away March 31, 2012. We were very close. She had me when she was 18 and there was always a sense that it was her and I against the world.
For several years she lived with us, essentially being a third parental figure in our children’s lives. She enjoyed all the things I hated, like going to the park and crafts. It was a good thing and I miss it – I miss her.
After her passing it became very clear to me that I knew nothing about grieving, or nothing healthy about grieving and for someone who felt she knew herself well, I found myself sobbing in complete confusion as I looked on to myself and vaguely knew the person I was watching. I knew I would be sad, I knew I would miss her and I knew life would be different without her – but life would go on, I would go on….
I wasn’t going on, at least not in the way I had imagined.
The whole process made me confused, angry, tired, sad, and host of many other frustrating emotions. I was a grown woman who just wanted her mommy and it took a long time to even consider acceptance that she was gone – she had left me here to do this thing called life on my own. When sharing with people I often called this place ‘the pit’ and just when I thought it went no further down – down I went, face first into the muck of life. It was a messy, ugly and honestly a heart wrenching place.
But. One thing I have always believed about myself and it was the one thing that remained – I don’t give up. Don’t get me wrong – I want to give up, I try to tantrum myself into giving up, I look for the easy way out, and I even will procrastinate in stubborn defiance. But in the end, I don’t give up. I knew that once I hit the bottom I would start to climb out. I would long for the sun of Life and force myself to do the hard work to get out.
As with many things in life the answers come in whispers, moments that could be missed if you blinked and the need to take intuitive action even when you have no real idea the why, how or where of it.
I had never heard her name before, I didn’t know anyone who followed her or had used her program – but there she was on facebook offering a “pay what you can” for a program I had never heard about. I clicked on the link and it seemed from the first word I knew this is what I needed…or wanted. My life as I had known it was gone and so it is no surprise that I longed for the life I now desired…I just wasn’t sure what it looked like or how to get there. I will always be so thankful for Danielle for her generosity and her authenticity that was part of helping me to find my way out of the pit.
This process of finding and choosing my words taught me a few things. The first was yet another lesson in letting go of perfectionism and be ok that my first time around wasn’t perfect. I sat there one day trying to remember my words and I realized I shouldn’t have to ‘try to remember’ – so those words were not the right ones…back to the map!
My first words were: JOYFUL GRACE: united, original, constant, assurance, blooming
I knew they were close but they needed tweaking…
I also learned that precision and accuracy are important, which is not always my strong point. We cannot attract the people, experiences or growth we want if we do not have a clear intention about what it looks like, how it will feel or a long term vision of the end result. And this is not to say that Life won’t throw us curve balls or that we should soldier on with no regard for the ever changing currents of life. For me it means to have a direction and an inner knowing of whether I should go where the wind is blowing me or if I should hug a tree and wait for the storm to pass.
These words keep me on track, they remind me of my personal mission and are guide posts when I’m making choices for my life. They were always there, always available – I just didn’t see them and so have often found myself feeling lost and an outsider. Not because I am, but because I tried to ‘fit in’ instead of being original. I limited my own expansion by limiting beliefs and fear of being judged or losing friends. To remember that living a life that glows does not mean to outshine everyone else but to cast the light were there is darkness. To embrace being real – a gift that requires bravery. And that faithfulness is rewarded, whether that be to God, my family, my friends and someone I often forget, myself.
Original ♥ Expansive ♥ Glowing ♥ Real ♥ Faithful
I got the program a year ago and it’s interesting to look back and see how much closer I am to being and living my core desired words without even really knowing it was happening. That my friends is the gift of intention and accuracy. Everyday I am closer to living a life of Joyful Grace and for that I am so thankful.
I share my words with you because they will affect what and how I write. They will be guide posts here as well, as I journey to find my voice and a message. And I share them with you because you might be searching, feeling lost or odd and maybe it’s time to find your words.
With Joyful Grace,