daily gratitude – grief

**I was going through my drafts and found this. I would have written this about 2yrs after my mom passed. It’s been 4yrs now but I can say, the sentiments remain the same. **

I was nominated on facebook to share 3 things I’m grateful for, over 5 days. I accepted the challenge and realized I enjoyed it so much that I decided to continue. Because I know there are so many who have also walked the path of grief I wanted to share today’s daily gratitude:

Grief is messy business. Mostly because there is no one right way to get to other side of it. It’s a strict teacher that does not waiver. You can hide, duck and even run…but this is a seasoned teacher who knows all the tricks. So while I resisted with tantrums and mental shutdowns – doing my best to avoid the lessons and realities of what is, she stood strong.

Thank you Grief for waiting for me. Thank you tears for being the rain that watered the seeds of hope. Thank you silence that let me hear the whispers within. Thank you spirit for guiding me when there was no path. Thank you loneliness for making me look up – and feeling His love in the embrace of those that love me here.
Today I am thankful that I was given the chance to walk some of my most dark days and felt some of the most heart-wrenching heart ache that I wasn’t expecting and didn’t know how to handle. I’m thankful for a loving God who was willing to risk losing me to the darkness of anger and sadness for the chance to hold me fully, and have the ability to enter a new softened heart, ready to do the hard work of being a light of love in this world.

I’m thankful (now) that grief knocked me on my a$$ over and over the last two years. I’m thankful for the grace of Life that picked me up each time. I learned to be stronger, smarter and hopefully better.
Grief is messy business for sure and while I don’t tend to like mess – for me it was where I found the deepest of treasures. Myself.

New tears

“It’s strange that we would have a 16yr old daughter this year…”
“yeah.”

Tears well up and I already know his are the same.
“We should deal with her plot…not sure what you need to do to….”
“yeah…I have no idea what’s involved…”

Quiet fills the space. Who knew soft tears could be so loud, no words are needed.

At 23 and 26yrs old, which today literally seems like someone else’s life it feels so long ago, we had no idea where life would lead us. We had little to no advice offered in terms of making huge decisions about burial choices and the future. How could we have known that less than 2yrs later we would move to the other side of the country never to return.

I haven’t cried about Emma in a sad way for almost 6yrs. The first 10yrs were a normal roller-coaster of grief turned sadness that ended with a full out emotional meltdown that lasted close to a year. Desperately trying to avoid embracing the very human struggles of accepting the illogical events that happen in life – I had to literally fall to my knees and say out loud:

“why me, why her, why us….why?”

In fetal position sobbing, a concerned husband tending my rawness as best he could with the only answer there was:

“I don’t know….”

I cried all my whys and then, I let go.

I had always seen Emma and her life as something to celebrate and be thankful for as any of our other children. I found it amazing and fascinating that a person could live out their purpose in 15 short days. After I finished my crying of that time and particular day of asking my “whys” and letting go of them, I stop crying. My feelings of celebration, gratitude and peace only grew stronger and deeper as the days, months and years have passed. I haven’t tried to not cry, there have just not been any tears to cry.

The moment in the car a few days ago is really a culmination of thankfulness, actualizing resilience and sadness from a mother’s heart who wonders what that 16yr old might have looked like, been like or could have been, and more than anything the tears that sat at the edge of my eye lids were tears for a young girl, so much stronger than she would ever understand and feeling proud that both her and I were, still trying, still here.

In the last few years I have learned a few things about tears.

Tears are a signal that we are growing, changing and expanding. In all their forms, they water the very places that are making us more courageous, stronger, sweeter, more compassionate, more whole, resolved and the most important, more loving. They are an opportunity to stay open, clean and offer reflection. In this way, they are essentially watering our inner gardens as we tend them with the activity and learning of life.

As gentle gardeners, we pull the thoughts that longer serve us, add inspiration to encourage juicy growth and learning, and place ourselves in the area that offers the most Light. The Brightness that divinely nourishes the shoots of possibility and effort. It penetrates the dark soils where new seeds are planted, waiting patiently for the perfect mix of tears and Light to break new ground.

In the past these new tears would have seemed annoying to me. A sign of weakness and the inability to “move on”. I would have worried ‘here we go again…’ and would have started looking for the storm of emotion on the horizon. But that day in the car, I embraced them and almost felt happy to feel them again. Instead of annoyance, I almost felt excitement in wondering what am I going to learn from this new growing season.

These new tears, regardless of how many, are here to help my gardens grow and as an avid life gardener, I welcome them to water both the hidden seeds I have yet to know and the growing sprouts of life – this my friends, is reason to buy rain boots.

Faithfully,
S. xo

Feel it. Love it. Share it.:

If you find yourself feeling bad about your parenting:

Remember all the way back to the time when you thought that your parent(s) were the smartest, strongest, can do anything person/people – the superhero(s) of your world. Honestly, how did they make the perfect hop scotch every. single. time?
Now think about how old you were and how old they would have been.

See. Now you are the superhero. You are doing just fine and your kids will be fine too. (just like you right? 😉 ) Go save your world!

xo

who we are teaches

I have a friend who was injured a few weeks ago at a competition. There is a possibility that her knee may never fully recover, meaning she would not be able to perform at that level again. There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment and the fear of losing something she loves, her sport to start.

As a mother she is struggling to wade through her emotions with her two young daughters watching on. Intuitively she knows she needs to let her emotions flow but fear grips her as she sees the glances and their own tears when she cries and hits the walls of anger. She wants to protect them and be an example of strength and resilience.

Being a woman and mother today is difficult. You would think it would be easier with technology and the ability to connect – but it seems that instead of being an opportunity to share and release, it offers the spotlight to compare ourselves and worse, judge ourselves.

In an attempt to calm some of her fears I shared with her that after my mom passed away in 2012, I cried everyday. I cried (what felt like) all day. I just cried. I would sit with my roll of toilet paper and just sob. Sometimes, my eyes closed, trying to take deep breaths to attempt to create a dam so I could have some relief, the tears fell like a faucet you didn’t quite turn all the way off, slow and steady. My face burned.
I remember talking with someone and saying “I’m just crying…what is going to happen to my kids?”

What I have always believed and over the last few years have learned is that our children learn the most from us when we are brave enough to be authentically ourselves. Learning doesn’t come from what we know – that’s why it’s called learning. Learning comes from taking a step into a space of unknown and being willing to be open and sponge like – absorbing new ideas, information and lessons that can potentially help us.

I want my kids to be learners and seekers. I want them to be ok with things they don’t know, and to have courage to admit that they need help. I want them to know that learning isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it can look beautiful and fun, full of excitement and joy. But then there is learning that is difficult and painful, doesn’t feel worth it or worth the discomfort. There is learning that is often far from your comfort zone. Sometimes so far, you don’t know if you will make it back.

Being willing to go down these paths of growth and learning requires both courage and faith. Courage in yourself and faith in what you have already built as a foundation within your children. Trust that, no matter what the outcome – there is opportunity, for both of you.

I encouraged her to just be honest with the girls. It’s what I have done with my kids. It’s not an unusual thing for my kids to hear a version of the following:

“I’m ok. I’m just sad.”
“I’m really sorry, I want to (insert activity) but I really need to rest.”
“You know when I said (insert angry words), I was really upset and should have taken some time before I talked with you. I’m really sorry, it’s not ok for anyone to talk to you that way. Can we talk about it now and maybe I can explain?”

My goal is to be my best as much of the time as I can while I weave in honoring myself and my needs and embracing who I am. And who I am is human who is flawed and growing. I am a woman with a story that is unfolding over time. That doesn’t stop because I have children. It just means they are now part of my story.

And it is my hope that moving toward being more of myself and more authentic with them I can teach them the following:
I want to show them that the label ‘parent’ should be taken seriously and responsibly but isn’t another way of saying ‘I know everything and make no mistakes’ – because then we never end the epidemic of perfectionism, judgement and lack of self forgiveness.
I don’t want them to fear the very emotions that create parts of  life; sadness, anger, frustration and disappointment. I want them to feel fully so they can use those to propel themselves toward happiness, lessons, solutions and new opportunities. When we try to bypass what is perceived as negative, we often bypass what it was trying to teach us and more importantly, what it is trying to give us.
And most of all, I want them to love their families fiercely and I know that the only way they will be able to do that fully is by deeply loving and embracing themselves, their needs and desires, within the confines of taking care of everyone else.

I tried to convey this to my friend; when we are fully ourselves, living authentically – in both the joy and the sorrow is when we likely will teach our children the very most important lesson of all:

To be that themselves.

I am 1 in 3

I, along with many other women in Canada sit with a knot in the pit of our stomachs today as we learned about the verdict concerning  Jian Ghomeshi. Some of us sit here and realize that there are major issues with the way in which we treat victims of sexual abuse and assault and that our systems are not set up to protect them.

1 in 3 girls will be the victims of sexual abused/assault in her lifetime, the majority by someone they know. 1 in 3 girls will not tell anyone it happened out of fear. 1 in 3 girls will tell but instead of going to the police, it will be handled “at home”. 1 in 3 girls will still have to have contact with their abusers at school, church, home, workplace or other “safe” place. 1 in 3 girls will never get validation for an experience that inherently changed them forever.

At seven years old I told my mom that my 16yr old uncle was touching me. I felt like what he was doing was wrong but wasn’t really sure. I felt like I would be in trouble if I told, even at 7, it occurred to me that somehow I possibly should have been able to stop it from happening.
My mother, a survivor of on-going abuse of every kind, questioned me to understand the details, which is normal, but somehow did not know how to proceed.
He didn’t deny it, yet he wasn’t kicked out of our home. He was given boundaries in our home but I still had to sit beside him at dinner every night. With the people and friends she consulted, the concern was more about him finishing school and not hindering the progress he had made going to church, “we don’t want to discourage him from being baptized”.

Why…because at 7 there were “inconsistencies” in my story. Like the fact that I said he would kiss my nose before he left the room. The abuse would happen when he was babysitting me and apparently there were times when my parents would come in from being out and they also would kiss my nose…so, this apparently created doubt. Even though he admitted to doing it…my inconsistencies created enough doubt even from myself, that it wasn’t until I was in my teens and he apologized to me at a family reunion, wanting to “finally deal with the skeletons in [his] closet” that I knew it had actually happened and it wasn’t all in my 7 year old dream world.

That same summer, I would have been turning 8, I was sent to visit my aunt and when I got home he was gone. I was sent away before he was sent away. I know for certainty that this event and how it was handled changed me and much of my life.  And it taught me the unfortunate truths at a young age about how we as a society deal with these serious incidents. We don’t.

Today our stomachs are sick because 1 in 3 of us have had to live in a society where our abusers are given a pass because we didn’t present with a black and blue face and could offer the opportunity for a rape kit. We are saddened that 1 in 3 of us, regardless of age is put in the situation to have to “prove” beyond a reasonable doubt that we are in fact telling the truth. We are the 1 in 3 who have sat in police stations telling a police officer, probably male,  what happened, only to be told “I believe you but I don’t think you would win this in court based on what you have told me” (this happened to me twice). We are the 1 in 3 that has the hard work to rebuild what was taken with the very first inappropriate and/or non-consenting touch.

We are now the 1 in 3 mothers who are raising daughters and sons – who today were reminded that our children are no more safe than we were. That if our girls happen to wear bikinis, a short top that shows their mid-drift or tight pants – all those choices will cast doubt on whether they gave consent for a sexual encounter. That innocent flirting will be scrutinized and blamed for offering ‘mixed messages’. Today, we received the message loud and clear that unless we as victims show up in hospital with physical evidence of assault, it’s likely we are making it up, blowing it out of proportion or are too sensitive. The unfortunate truth for most of the 1 in 3 is that these are not viscous violent attacks, these are quiet smothering assaults.

Today, is a sad day because 1 in 3 girls was told she is not protected under our legal system.

Horkins added that while the evidence in the case raises a reasonable doubt, it “is not the same as deciding in any positive way that these events never happened.”

~CBC.ca

#Iam1in3

With hope,
S. xo

 

something new

As it goes, myself with millions of others, I started the new year with the quest to conquer the clutter. In the first few days of the year I noticed several of my friends posting on facebook about limiting their shopping, cleaning out closets and like us, heading in for battle into the dreaded dungeon, the basement. Our basement, the catch all for the ‘i don’t have time for you’, ‘I don’t know what to do with you’ or ‘I want to keep you but I don’t really have room for you’, things. It was time to tackle it, all of it.

I went into it optimistically and feeling like this would be fairly straight forward. I had done a major decluttering two years ago and had felt that I had laid the ground work for being able to let go and to see all this stuff as just that, stuff. Well… I was wrong.

I had been down for a bit during the process and was considering that I might be depressed. But I know depression and even though I was exhibiting similar traits it didn’t feel like that…it just felt, off. It felt heavy. It felt unfamiliar. Which for me, being someone who likes to feel in control, was unsettling. And so I mulled it over. Doing my best to still achieve my goal and push myself to continue the quest but honestly not motivated to do anything productive. Taking it in stride, trying to understand why I was feeling this way when mostly only good things were and are happening in my life and while slow going, I’m successfully dealing with this clutter. Why was I waking up feeling like a bomb is going to drop any second.

I was having a quiet moment and it ended up in a ah ha moment. I realized in a swirl of emotion and the dizzying certainty of truth, that the reason I have clutter and the reason it’s so difficult to get rid of it is because I had, at some point allowed these things to define who I was and what it meant my life could be or maybe should be. This was surprising to me. It never occurred to me that I had that much personally and emotionally invested in all this stuff. I had watched numerous decluttering shows with Peter Walsh and read his books and was reading Marie Kondo’s book on tidying, which was the inspiration to start the project. But actually dealing with clutter is different than thinking about clutter. And dealing with years of clutter is different than doing a yearly clean out of your clothes closet. AND, dealing with clutter effectively is different than what we have done most other times and what  I think most people end up doing, a glorified ‘sort and organize into new shiny storage systems’ – type of (non) decluttering.

One weekend we had a huge pile of items for goodwill. The logical part of me was happy to see it go, knowing it was no longer going to be taking up room or energy in our home. But as I started scanning the items I could feel myself feeling emotional. Logically I knew that we didn’t need these things, they have been in the dungeon for over 2yrs, not used. But they are items that were still very usable, helped for a time to create the vision of what we wanted for our life and then many of them were physical representations of years of poor buying choices, which is never a good feeling, regret.

I think most people know that the important things about life are not made up by stuff but for most of us, our lives are made up with “stuff” things. As I put a crocheted blanket that was given to my son as a birth gift in a garbage bag, my stomach in knots, I had to remind myself that giving it away didn’t take away from it’s importance or how special it was to us at the time. Fact is, we just can’t keep every. single. thing. ever given to us.
One thing that helped me to understand the power of letting go and to focus on the the memory of the thing, not the thing itself, was that I could not remember who specifically had given it to him. Sadness. But the emotion held by that blanket was part of celebrating his arrival and was a memory that someone loved us very much. It was difficult to stuff it into a garbage bag on it’s way to goodwill but I did it and felt relief.

Along with numerous items related to my current life I also had to deal with my late mother’s belongings. Sifting through memories of my life growing up, her life, things she had hoped for her future, things she had done with my children, books related to projects she was doing or wanted to do. This was by far the most difficult part of this project but it taught me and reminded me about the importance of living in the moment and that the important memories will never be taken away. As an example,  I had a small piece of paper on my vanity that had her old address on it that she wrote down for me when she moved  – I have it because I don’t want to forget her handwriting or what it looked like…fear. I had to really embrace Marie Kondo’s simple rule of asking myself “does it bring me joy?”. The answer was no, it made me sad to look at it, and there was no way or reason to keep it in a place of honor. I chose to let go of the fear and throw it away finally.

In that split second that day I understood the reason I had been feeling off the last few weeks – because I’m letting go of everything I know. I feel this “unfamilair” feeling because by letting go of all this stuff puts me in a place within myself that is unfamiliar. I don’t know anything but this stuff. Sadly, I realized that there is comfort in what you know, in the clutter.

Also, letting go when you don’t know if that space will be filled with something of equal value is scary, and in that moment I figured that out. Whether the items are serving me anymore or not, I knew them. I knew what they represented, I knew that no matter what I may never gain, whether in material possessions or happiness, I would still have those things, memories, and proof that I have done my best to make a good life…but in that moment, I also realized that because of those things I can’t have the best life, and that’s why they needed to go.

Just becoming aware of the feelings of regret, fear, uncertainty, sadness, and fear of letting made me feel better almost instantaneously. That heavy feeling was gone and I felt like I could resume the task and finish it successfully. It’s not that letting go of the stuff becomes easier – it just becomes a choice of living with stuff and fear, or letting go and believing that something will fill that space, even if it’s only the gift of space. Believing that something new like courage, openness, joy and love will choose to reside here…with everything item I throw out or re-home, I bet on, something new.

how a natural mom ended up going under the knife

People who know me, know that I use a doctor if I need a diagnosis – but will likely treat at home and that if we are at the hospital it’s a serious or chronic situation that we need help to support – and I can count how many times we have done both – rarely.

So on Friday when I was rolled in to get my appendix removed this was a little shocking to most close friends in my life that I was at the hospital and all I can say is that I’m really happy I have an unlimited texting plan – pretty sure people thought I was on my death bed. Sure, I suspected something was wrong but I didn’t look or feel like the typical appendicitis patient but none of my friends knew that…all they knew was that the girl who never goes to the doctor is at the hospital.

I’ve always thought it interesting how people seem to think that natural moms take a lot of risks with our health and that of our families. That our quest to avoid antibiotics and medication, blurs our motherly common sense. That we would rather see our children die instead of giving them any allopathic intervention. Which of course is absurd to me and I’m sure most other natural moms would agree.

So I share my story only to share how I, a natural mom ended up going under the knife and the reasons that led me to do it – they might surprise you.

When I arrived at the ER Thursday night I had been quite sick all day. I had been sick to my stomach in the morning and then it subsided but I still had pain on the right side. I thought it was a spasm in my muscle and didn’t think too much about it because I I was so overwhelmed by how sick I felt. I could only lay in bed.
When Mr. hubs came home he mentioned that I felt hot and I did have chills so I took my temp which was just a low grade 99.5. I had also mentioned to him that I only had pain on the right side and that got me thinking – ‘hmm, wonder which side my appendix is on‘. So looked it up and realized that I had several of the symptoms of appendicitis. So asked Hubs to bring me to a walk-in while our girls were at an activity. All the walk-ins were closed so I called TeleHealth from the car – a phone service that is supposed to help you assess whether you need to go to the hospital or not – of course it was recommended that I go and see a doctor within a few hours. So we picked up the girls and headed to the hospital.

Let me say that I didn’t feel I was in an emergency and wasn’t in that much pain. Normally I would have just waited till the next day and go and see my doctor but not knowing how quickly appendicitis could worsen I felt it was important to go rule it out.

Three and half hours later I was pretty much better which was exactly how long we sat in the ER. All the symptoms other than the pain on the right side were gone. No fever. No chills. No achy pain in my lower back. No nothing. So it wasn’t surprising when the doc looked at me and said –

“well…most people that come in look really really sick. You don’t look great but you don’t look really sick. So it’s probably a bladder infection. We want to make sure – so come back tomorrow morning for an ultrasound.”

This seemed completely reasonable to me because honestly I felt fine and thought to myself ‘well that is 3hrs I’ll never get back…’

Next morning went back for an ultrasound – felt completely fine except now I was starving from not having eaten the day before and told not too eat so in case it was appendicitis and would need surgery.
I was really feeling that this was a bladder infection and I would be sent home with a scrip for antibiotics – which of course I wouldn’t fill because I know I can handle a bladder infection naturally.

Waited in the ER for another 2hrs to find out that the ultrasound found nothing. They couldn’t even see my appendix but saw no inflammation around the area so he assumed that it was a bladder infection and recommended antibiotics.  He was about to send me home when he took a minute and asked about my symptoms the night before. He looked at me and said

“hhmmm…you know those are pretty common symptoms of appendicitis and we really want to rule it out – how do you feel about having a CT scan?”

Ugh, dye injection and radiation…. “ok” I said.

So now I have an IV put in and in the course of waiting for my CT scan proceed to get 2 bags of antibiotics – in the event of needing surgery. Okkey Dokkey…first time for those in 20years…
Finally do the CT scan and back to waiting for results.

Result came back. It was appendicitis although very early stages and he said he could treat with antibiotics but his recommendation would be surgery. I agreed without hesitation. And I left to get prepped for the ER.

Now normally if a doc told me that I was at the beginning stages of anything I would go home and deal with it on my own. So what made my little appendix different? A few things:

TIME. It had taken 13 hours in total to get a diagnosis. We have 4 children at home all day everyday. We have limited help when it comes to situations like this. I found it very stressful to have them be home for alone for such a long time. Now don’t get me wrong – we have a 13 and 11 year old and the hospital is literally less than 5mins away – I wasn’t stressed that they were at risk – it was just a long time for them to be on their own. From their point of view they thought it was great to have almost all day where they could watch movies and play video games – *groan* but the unknown of how long everything would take stressed me out.
If I could avoid spending another 13hrs in the ER in the future that would be good and it seemed probable that in many cases it would flair up again – meaning this whole process again which would likely include more antibiotics and possible CT.

RISK: It seems that no one knows the real purpose of the appendix or why it gets infected. Two of the things I count on when deciding if I can treat it naturally on my own.
There is also no way of knowing how quickly or how long it would take to flare up to the point of bursting.
There are a lot of perceived “risks” I am willing to take – a burst appendix is not one of them.
I did look up briefly how to treat appendicitis naturally and what I found was recommendations to “flush it (the infection) out” and to do juicing. I could see the benefits of this but intuitively it did not give me the confidence to feel that it wouldn’t come back. And that leads me to my last reason:

INTUITION/FEAR: My cousin’s daughter had just been in the hospital a few weeks before with what ended up being a burst appendix she had for several days. It was a very serious situation and thankfully she made a full recovery. I don’t believe we hear or see things happening to other people for no reason so took heed of the warning.
My fear was that I would try and treat naturally or not…I could be outrageous and take their antibiotics but he had just told me that they didn’t have a very good success rate with that treatment…and would end right back here in the ER. Not that I would ever suggest surgery to avoid inconvenience but something just told me that having it removed was what I needed. (And I was right about that, but I wouldn’t know how deeply till later – which I will share in upcoming posts how this was a huge wake up call.)
I also didn’t want to live in fear. I don’t think of it as a free pass to now do whatever I want – but more to move forward with peace.

So that in a nutshell is the story of how a natural mom ended up under the knife. It’s how a natural mom who firmly believes in the body’s ability to heal itself chose the allopathic root – intuitively. And for me – it’s a short story of how we sometimes get to a natural place by unnatural means….but that my friends is a story for another day….

 

 

veganish – week 4

So we are heading into our 4th week of eating veganish.

Over the last three weeks a lot has changed. The most exciting for me (because it looks so pretty) are my cupboards. This past weekend we made our first liter of almond milk and this morning I switched it up and made hemp milk. Yup, this girl is making her own milk. Ccccrraaazzzy. Crazy cool is what it is. Things I thought would be a lot of work or just not worth it are the exact things that get my little natural mom juice going.

As a girl who hated baking. The mess, the work, the mess… I find myself having to stop myself from finishing one recipe and starting the next. I’ve realized how much I love two bite anythings. I made two bite morning muffins, two bite lemon poppy seed muffins and two bite brownies this past weekend and as I write this there are two bite what is supposed to be pumpkin bars cooling in my mini muffin pan. These are exact right size for a quick snack or for on the go and honestly anything two bite is so darn cute.

As I mentioned in my let’s focus post – we have been on a natural journey for a long time. Ok, only 12 years but those are parent years so it feels like a long time. It’s been a progression and the last 3 weeks have felt like we have finally arrived. All the knowledge we have known but felt too lazy to carry out – happening. Our lifestyle is finally in alignment with our values. It’s a good feeling but as a surprise to me – hugely motivating.

Well…another motivator is that we have no “quick and easy food”. Monday I was feeling strapped for time and I’ll admit in the past I would have just made mac & cheese or even gotten Mr. 12yr old to do it. But there is no packaged food in our house. So really the easiest thing to make is a quick hummus and make a wrap or guacamole. Ideally, I would have some things prepped for these types of moments…but one step at at time. I ended up making chickpea salad which is one of faves and once I got started it was no big deal. It was just an awareness of what I would have done in the past and a reminder that the choices when it comes to food start at the grocery store.

Some of the positive changes I’ve noticed is that we are all eating less. One of the most annoying things was how often one or all the kids would be asking for snacks. It of course has still happened over the last few weeks but definitely not to the extent it was happening before. And now when they do ask for snacks even if I give them a two bite brownie I can feel good that it’s a healthy or healthier snack.

As I noted in my first post they are sleeping longer. They used to wake up at ridiculously early times in the morning and now I am usually the first one awake around 8am. And where they would get up at who knows what time and eat a fruit and or cereal and still be starving when I got up – they now get up and just do quiet activities (not asking to eat) and we all eat together between 8:30-9 depending on what we are having or making. It’s a huge change and honestly one that I welcome as it was so annoying to hear “can I have a snack” a bazillion times a day.

I became aware of some digestion issues and am working on those. I am listening to my body more and this past week was much less bloated and feeling better.

It’s also possible that this lifestyle change in our eating might contribute to a new addiction – cookbooks. This is yet another huge surprise for me because I’ve bought cookbooks in the past but have never used them…like not even once. We started out with Oh She Glows then week two I bought Joyous Health and this past weekend I bought Isa Does It. They all use similar ingredients so I can easily swap them and not worry about having to get a whole bunch of new ingredients and when we haven’t done a great job of meal planning and need to make something on the fly having more than one book gives us more variety.

One of the best and most valuable things that has happened for me since starting this three weeks ago is remembering my passion for real food, feeling a true pride in what I am feeding my family and reigniting a fire inside to share the message that food matters. And on that note, I have two bite pumpkin bites that need taste testing…see ya!

Many well wishes for you on your journey to clean eating,
living health, S xo

a conversation worth having

It was never my intention to write a post like this on my brand new shiny blog this early but with the recent cases of measles in the US and Canada there has been a lot of cyber bullying and friends expressing the desire to leave social media because it’s hard to take. I don’t need to write yet another research and study link filled post with all the reasons I choose natural immunity – there are thousands of those. As with  any other topic in life, I always think it’s best to remove the emotional triggers and just talk about what matters. 

Dear vaccinating parent,

I promise you that this letter is not to bully you about your choice, it’s not to convince you to change your mind, nor is it to prove my position. We’ve been over that about a million times and that has gotten us nowhere. This letter to you is only to open the door to change the conversation we are having – because you might be surprised to hear that I do want to have a conversation – just not the one we have been repeating over and over again.

Firstly, I am not an anti-vaxer, I am not anti-vaccine and I do believe in science. Yes, I choose not to vaccinate my children but that means I am PRO natural immunity. I do not think that vaccines should not exist – that would mean your choice would be taken away and I have no reason to want your choices taken away. I know you think that we disagree on what the science says but that doesn’t mean that we don’t read the same papers and information – it just means that we have come to different conclusions about that information. That doesn’t mean that either of us are stupid or not smart enough  to read scientific lingo or twisting that information for it to read what we want – what it means is that you read it and decided how that information is going to benefit you and your family and I have done the same and come to a different conclusion for mine. It actually happens all the time with toys, electronics, television, schooling, which car we are going to buy, food and mostly everything in our lives and somehow we are all smart enough to figure out those studies and decide what is best for our individual families – vaccines are no different.

This is one thing I know about both of us. We both love our children. A lot. We both want to see them grow up healthy and live fabulous lives. So when you call me any numerous of names:

• abuser
• neglectful
• idiot
• hippie (but not the cool loving everybody kind)
• stupid
• conspiracy theorist
• quack
• irresponsible
• selfish

I can tell you that my defenses go up – I know duh, right? I can promise that you calling me names is the least effective thing you can do to get through to me – what it really does is cause me to not hear what you are saying and we don’t move forward to make this planet a better place for our kids. We also leave our cyber bullying footprints behind for our kids to find one day – definitely not the legacy I want to leave behind. So let’s put on our big girl and boy pants – stop being bullies and find some common ground, find a conversation that actually might make a difference in the health of our children.

You believe that vaccines are saving lives. I believe in natural immunity that has kept our human species alive on this planet for a really long time. Your choice carries risks – we both know that from reading the vaccine inserts. My choice carries risks – we both know that 1)nothing in nature is risk free and 2)we have a hundred years of stats too look at on our government run health sites. So if both our choices carry risk…what are we really fighting about here? Are we really fighting about which risk is worse or more risky??

Here are some topics I believe we could actually talk about and make better for the generations to come.

One thing we should both want for our children is to continue to live in a free country with free will. I know you believe that forcing me to vaccinate my children will protect yours – but really that only put us all at risk of not having any say in what is put into our bodies. That opens the door for other people to decide what medical treatments are necessary for the masses. Our goal should be that together we are protecting our children’s choice and human rights in general. I believe it would be naive to think that mandating vaccination would be where the buck stops. We have many health issues that are affecting the ‘greater good’ and will do so even more in the future as more hospitalizations and long term care is required. Are we ok with the seemingly majority of society deciding what goes into our individual bodies?

I would love if we could unite and abolish this barbaric idea that it’s ok for anyone to ‘take one for the team’. While I can appreciate your belief in herd immunity and that you want everyone to be protected – you also seem ok with “some being sacrificed” for the herd. I can tell you with certainty that I’m not ok if your child or any child is harmed or dies for ‘the good’ of my child. I can only believe that you would use this argument of herd immunity and the greater good because you really believe it won’t be your child, and therefore it’s ok that someone else does lose their child for your perceived benefit and that my friend is not the world I want my children to grow up in. If we are indeed trying to protect everyone in the herd – let’s in fact DO THAT and expect that no one will suffer needlessly and no one has to lose their children for our benefit.

Until we remove this archaic mentality that’s it’s ok for children to die on our behalf, I would encourage all of us to start thinking about how we are going to support those who have been sacrificed – either with their lives or with life long health consequences. If we believe we are civilized human beings wouldn’t that mean that when one of the herd takes one for the herd that we  in return be a herd that compensates and offers any and all support that individual needs? Wouldn’t we want to know who these individuals are so we can know that it’s only a few? Wouldn’t we as society be so heartbroken that a viable life was taken from us that we would want to screen and find out who in our midst is most at risk of being sacrificed? Children dying or being physically harmed should not be something we take lightly. Instead of callusing our hearts further with inhumane culture thought of ‘the greater good’ why not adopt the motto of “One is too many.”

Let’s start asking the right questions. Let’s start demanding to know the risks and true statistics. Let’s start a long term study of vaccinated children vs unvaccinated children. No, I didn’t say double blind with a vaccine…I said long term study. There are non vaccinating parents waiting for the phone call – desperately wanting to help “the herd” get the information they want and need. Is there a difference in the health of these groups? If so, what are the major differences? What is the percentage of chronic illness from both groups and when does it begin in each group? What is the health of these two groups as they age and become adults? Are we actually seeing the same data in each group and can we rule out without question that vaccines only do good and have absolutely no effect on the overall health of a child. We both know that the studies that have been done are not adequate – we need the data. If we both believe in informed choice, we need to know what choice we are making – that information is not available.
We could also start asking why other first world nations are halting certain vaccines when they see troubling coincidences after new vaccines are put out – why isn’t ours?

And in case you are thinking in the back of your head that my words sound pretty but I’m really out to get you – this must be a non-vaxer conspiracy theory trap…let’s get a proper definition:

conspiracy theory

noun

1. a theory that explains an event as being the result of a plot by a covert group or 

organization; a belief that a particular unexplained event was caused by such a group.

2. the idea that many important political events or economic and social trends are the

 products of secret plots that are largely unknown to the general public.

 

Great, so everything I know about vaccines and the vaccine industry is general public knowledge so that excludes me from being a conspiracy theorist. Do I think there are conflicts of interest in the vaccine industry. Yes. And I would encourage all parents to care about that and want to unite to ensure that the medical interventions given to our children are safe and have been approved without ethical question marks. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to expect third party testing and studies. I think it’s reasonable to require that there be a line drawn and excludes people working for drug companies from jumping to the governing bodies that approve such drugs. These are our children and it should be without question that the drugs created to keep them safe be done within a system that is ethically sound.

And I can appreciate that you might find me personally to be a bit too blase when it comes to this topic and that I also am expecting to ride into the sunset because “it won’t be my child” mentally. I promise you it’s not. Let me share with you that I am well aware of what it’s like to be that 1 in xxx. Our first daughter was born with a congenital heart defect – every baby has a 1 in 100 chance of being born with one…we happen to be that 1. Surgery that had an 80% chance of giving her a chance to live failed, putting us in that dreaded 20% – she died in our arms. So, I’m quite aware of statistics and percentiles and being on the losing end. I take the choices I make for my children very seriously because I know all too well what it means to be that 1 in xxx.

I know we both care about the most important thing. Let’s start having that conversation. If your vaccines work the way you say they do – you’re safe. If my immune system works the way I think it does – I’m safe. So, now we can stop throwing stats at each other all day long – we have been, it’s not convincing anyone on either side. We can stop calling each other names to get our points across because we are essentially condoning bullying. We can stop living in fear of each other and we can make the choices that we feel are the best for our families and trust in those choices. We can be the change that fuels safer medicine and healthier children. Ours and theirs. Now that is a conversation worth having.

With Joyful Grace,
S. xo

getting deschooled

There is this term in homeschooling that describes the process and time of taking your child out of the mainstream school system and starting to homeschool. As new people would join our homeschool group I would hear this term but honestly never gave it another thought…that is until two weeks ago when I realized that while I never had to deschool my kids because they have never been to school – I needed to be deschooled.

Homeschooling has never been an easy journey for me. I have a lot of my own interests and passions. Most of which take a lot of time and I found myself constantly struggling to find the balance between the perceived time it took to homeschool and doing my own thing.

Two weeks ago I was talking to a homeschool mom who had taken her son out of school in grade 7. She explained how lost she was when they first started and she said everyone kept saying “you need to deschool him” I shake my head in agreement and then she said “and someone said “you need to deschool him, but probably mostly yourself”… BIG inner pause for me. I shake my head in agreement while the wheels in my head are spinning. I realize in that moment that I, an 8yr homeschool mother – is not deschooled.

I decided this morning to start my deschooling. Of course not ever needing to deschool my own kids I had an idea what it meant but let’s face it, I wanted an ‘A’ on this process so just to be sure, I did a quick google search. I read this post and I got it – in a heart way. Find the learning, create learning opportunities, and for goodness sake, relax. (And no, I didn’t read all the wonderful links at the bottom of her post…because, come on people…I have things to do and can’t spend all day reading about deschooling!! *wink*)

The clock strikes 9 and I catch my heart beating a bit harder…’ugh I think to myself…it starts again…having to nag these kids to get their lessons done’. I stop. ‘Nope’ I say…’just because it’s 9 does not mean they have to start their schooling at 9…we have a whole day’. And so I start making a new protein bars recipe from my new cookbook and just watch to see what happens. My heart slows down. Possibly for the first time in 8 years I feel an inner peace I have never felt before. No rules. No set schedule. Just learning.

The first thing I notice is how quiet the house is. Normally I would have started my ‘loud talking’ to get things in gear first thing. And I’m sure you can imagine already what it looks and sounds like – I get doing something, I tell them to do something, no one is listening, I get distracted, I clue in,  I talk louder…bad attitudes…and I’m sure you can connect the dots of the energy in the house. But this morning was quiet. A peaceful quiet. 2 of the girls sitting on the couch playing a game on the ipad – talking together quietly about what the next thing was to do for their game. Mr. 12yr old likely in his room doing something on his laptop. Normally I would be frustrated that once again they have chosen video games to fill their time but this morning I decided to watch and consider that this is learning too.

I eventually go up to see Mr. 12yr old and in fact he is playing a game. Some spaceship game where he has to make the ship…I really don’t know. “What are you doing?” I ask – and out comes all the specifications he’s made on his spaceship which really mean nothing to me because I’ve never seen him play this before but I ask a few more questions and ask if he plans to do his lesson before his swimming or after…”ah, I guess if I did it, it would be after…” I say “it’s not if you do it, it’s when you do it” he chuckles and says “ok, I’ll do it after”. I leave and realize how different the whole interaction felt. No eye rolling, no sighing, nothing negative and a few moments of connection.

I finish making my protein bars and am on to something else when Ms. 5yr old comes into the kitchen. All she wants to do is help. I don’t have anything she can do so I ask her if she wants to do dishes which of course she does – water and soap mean playtime! After a long time of silence I look over and see her taking a measuring cup full of water and filling a tablespoon which she then dumps in a cup. Over and over again. I know why she’s doing this. She so desperately wants to help us do the cooking and every time there is a liquid I say “mommy is going to do this one” which of course is a huge downer for her. As I watched her do this cup, spoon, cup thing over and over again it made me realize that under my old way of thinking there never would have been time to let her sit there and play in the water – never time to let her learn how to fill a tablespoon with liquid.

Everyone did their lessons, helped out with chores and most of the normal type stuff that happens in our day with the exception that today – there was peace.

Sharing this has made me realize that the fact is, I want to fit in. I want to fit in with my schooling friends and my homeschooling friends. I want to be able to present my schooling friends the confidence that they won’t be paying for my unemployed children because “see, we start bright and early like everyone else and are doing the same math as you and …blah blah blah…” and I want to impress my homeschool friends with all the ‘homeschooly’ things we are doing, cool outings, cool crafts, and…blah blah blah. The truth is that the belief that I’ll only “fit in” if it looks like everyone else is a deep rooted belief I got from school – hence my need to deschool. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how to be authentic yet still “fit in” to these two polar opposite groups that I have completely lost myself, made it really difficult for my children and was never really embracing the true meaning of homeschool.

As I have thought about my first day of deschooling I am grateful. And I am blessed because – one of the beautiful things about the word homeschool is ‘home’. Which means that no two homeschooling families will ever look the same because no two homes are the same. The point is not to fit in but to embrace the very best parts of ourselves and find ways to make the world a better place. Right now my ‘home’ aka my kids, are my world – and now that I’m on the path of deschooling I’m on the right path to make it a better place.

With Joyful Grace,
S. xo